New Apartment*

The view of my new street from the train platform.

Last week, I took a last-minute trip to Chicago, where I will be moving in July, to hunt down an apartment that would be safe, affordable, and would allow Oscar to continue his indoor/outdoor cat lifestyle. My three days there were stressful, and at one point I got sick from dehydration. But on the last day, I found a place that is really great. It is an apartment inside of a house in a neighborhood that is filled with trees and tiny yards for Oscar to roam in, but it is also close to the train, improv clubs, the threadless store, and lots of restaurants. Plus, the best part is that inside this new apartment I will be able to be a wonderful person.

The perfect kitchen for a man who loves his body just as much as he loves enjoying a delicious meal and whimsical knick-knacks on top of the cabinets.

Here is the kitchen where I will prepare new and interesting dishes because despite being busy with many fulfilling activities outside of the apartment, I will always find the time to put a little effort into making something nutritious - breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And who could blame me? That refrigerator is going to be stocked with a wide variety of ingredients, purchased on a weekly basis with the following week's worth of meals in mind from none other than the nearby Trader Joe's (two stops down on the train, or a 20 minute walk when the weather is nice). The refrigerator will have so much more than a twelve-pack of cheap beer, a half-used and molding jar of Prego, and a package of sliced turkey. Daily trips to a non-organic-promoting grocery store to buy frozen foods to heat up each evening will be unheard of because there will be so much already there in my home.

Nothing gross will ever happen in here.

Here is the bathroom where I will brush and floss my teeth every single night. My poops will always be easy and satisfying, and while I will continue to pee standing up (please take note, genderanalyzer.com with your 61% chance that my blog is written by a woman), there will rarely be excessive splashing or drunken misfires. I will also clean this bathroom every week or two, not just by randomly rubbing toilet paper over surfaces that have collected too much hair and grime for me to stand looking at, but with real cleaning products. My towel and washcloth will be rotated out more frequently than "whenever the mildew stench gets to be unbearable."And, of course, I will not clog up the sink's drain every couple of weeks with my half-assed relationship with shaving.

A center of productivity and charm.

Here is the small office space where I will study math, pay bills before their due date, respond to e-mails within a day of receiving them, and never ever waste a horrendous amount of time on shit that is neither necessary or fun. I see that the current occupant of my new apartment has decided to keep a couple of wine racks in his or her** office. Wine collecting is such a noble hobby. Maybe I will continue that tradition when I take the reins?

Have a seat, and I will get you a drink. Then we can swap stories.

Here is the living room where I will entertain a constant stream of visitors with stories about the wacky things that happen to me in my life. Laughter will be a regular guest in this room. However, it will also sometimes be a solemn place whenever a friend is in need of someone to listen to their problems. In my new apartment, I will be a great listener with a genuine interest in other people and their lives. I will only try to connect what they are telling me to anecdotes from my own life when I think that it might be helpful to them and never because I just want to talk about myself. It will always be an act of empathy. Of course, my new living room will also be an excellent place to watch interesting movies, play fun games, and read novels. It will not become simply a place with a couch where I sit and waste hours surfing the internet for no good reason.

I don't have a good picture of the bedroom, but believe me when I tell you that insomnia will be a stranger to that room. Nights will be a time of rest not meant for rolling around like an unsatisfied lunatic. The sheets of my bed will be cleaned regularly, and Oscar will not sit on top of me licking himself until four in the morning when he will not wake me up to let him outside.

I can't wait.

Please come visit!

* Part of the way through writing this, I became convinced that I stole the whole describing an ideal future specifically devoid of some of my current behavioral flaws in the context of moving to a new building gimmick from someone else. I don't know who, but if it is you, then know that I'm sorry. Obviously, my subconscious thought the idea was hilarious.

** I don't know why I wrote this. The landlord told me that it is a he.